A few months ago, I ran across a post by a friend of a friend named Michael Alexis that summed up life lessons he has learned over the years. I enjoyed reading it so much that I spent an entire weekend jotting down notes to myself about what my own “rules for life” are. These are more intended to be reminders for myself and less advice for anyone reading, but I do believe in sharing what you know. So today, on my 30th birthday, I’m sharing 30 life lessons I’ve learned up to this point.
These lessons will cover the following topics:
Relationships
Money
Career
Health
Self-Improvement
One last note, I started gathering this list while riding a train back-and-forth on a weekend trip to Philadelphia in the fall of 2019 and am currently writing this from New York City in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic. The biggest lesson of all is that each and every one of us should be grateful for what we have. I’m ridiculously fortunate to be writing this right now and it’s humbling that you’re actually reading this.
Relationships
Communication is hard - My dad always says that communication is one of the hardest skills in the world and the older I get, the more I’ve come to agree with this. Whether it’s keeping in touch with friends and family or your significant other, there is always room for improvement. I’m not sure anyone has mastered this, but being aware of the need for improvement will make all of your relationships better.
Assume people have good intentions - I’ve found it’s extremely rare that someone is acting with intention malice towards me or others. Sure, it exists, but it’s usually the exception.
Everyone’s life is more complicated than what you see - Cut people some slack because they might have a lot going on that you don’t know about. A close friend of mine from childhood committed suicide recently and I remember getting really frustrated that he blew me off quite a few times over the years when I tried to stay in touch. Looking back, I now know that he had crippling mental health issues and me getting annoyed feels ridiculously petty because I was making assumption about his behavior.
Let people know the impact they’ve made in your life - Reach out to an old teacher/coworker/friends/etc. that left a positive impression on your life and let them know. It’ll make their day.
You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with - I don’t know who said this first, but I first heard it from Tim Ferriss many years ago and I’ve found this to be extremely accurate. Whether it’s your friends, a significant other or your job, those who you hang around will be massively influential in your life.
Call you parents more often - I once read that, by the time you turn 18, you’ve already spent the majority of the time you’ll ever spend with your parents. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but what I do know is that your parents want to hear from you more. Give them a call once a week and see what a difference it makes in your relationship.
Money
Reading one personal finance book will change your life - Seriously, just reading one good book about money will make you more financially savvy than 98% of the population. I recommend I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi. This book has impacted my life in a positive way literally every single day since I first read it in 2013.
Being good with money is actually really easy - If you get a few key things right, everything else falls into place. Focusing on the wrong things is the biggest mistake people make when struggling to make financial decisions.
Pay for value - A few years ago spent over $250 on a backpack. That probably sounds insane to a lot of people, but I still LOVE this bag and use it almost every day. On occasions I’ve taken online courses that cost several thousand dollars. These prices are trivial if you get a disproportionate amount of value from them so focus on the value you’re getting vs. what it costs.
Career
Plan for the career you want - Build the skills you will need for a job before you have it. When opportunity arises, you’ll be ready. There are topics I read about in 2013 that I only recently start actively using on a daily basis in my job.
Focus on core skills - Skills like being a great communicator, learning quickly and being organized are universally valuable. If you can get great at the core skills of your industry the details will work themselves out with time and experience.
“Your network is your net worth” - I have no clue who said this originally, but it’s true. The ability to meet and connect new people is easily one of the most valuable skills you can develop.
Don’t go to networking events - If someone invites you to a “networking event”, run. They’re a complete waste of time. Also, anyone that brags about how big their network is focused on quantity vs. quality, which completely misses the point.
Create your own events - If you want to meet new and interesting people, hosting your own event's is an incredibly under-utilized tool. There are a million ways to do it, but you can make new friends or professional connections by being the person that connects others. Personally, I like hosting cocktail parties using Nick Gray’s method, but you could meet new people by starting a speaking series, a podcast or hosting dinners (examples here, here and here). Do this. It will change your life for the better.
If you want to market something, do as much as you possibly can before spending a dime - If it’s a product people actually want and you know your audience, you’ll be able to get some traction through hustle first. Marketing is too expensive to guess at what works with your own money.
You get in life what you ask for - This is another idea from Tim Ferriss, but this basically means that nobody is going to advocate for you better than you can yourself. It took me a long time to build the confidence in this arena but just the past few months alone I’ve used this to get a great new job making better money, negotiate out of a rent increase and even reduced prices on slew of software tools I use at work. You’ll never get something if you don’t ask for it.
Don’t work with toxic people - Your time and sanity aren’t worth it. A previous job I had ended up being a bad situation because the founder was controlling and a micro manager. The toxic environment was bad for my mental health and I tolerated it for too long. If you find yourself in a similar situation, get out of it as soon as possible.
Job applications are a waste of time - I’m about 10yrs into my career and I have still never gotten a job worth anything by filling out an application. The best way to get a job is by getting an interview via a referral or by completely going around the application process all together to get their attention. I once got a job by building a website to share ideas to improve the company by tweeting at the founder.
Half of “success” in your career is being in a job suited to you - Focus on finding a role that’s going to fit your personalities and aspirations. I’ve found this can take a lot of patience and time, but it’s worth it because it’s a great feeling when you feel excited about work everyday.
Health
The best workout or diet is the one you’ll stick to - Forget the fads and the endless advice from random people on the internet. Find something that works for you and just keep doing that. Once you get consistent, you can start worrying about more specifics. For me, it’s been 30min HIIT classes, soccer and eating the same few healthy meals over and over.
Count your calories - If you want to lose weight, you can get very far with just improving your diet. Not everyone likes this idea, but for me it’s been a big part of getting in the best shape of my life. Again, find what works for you and ignore everything else.
Self-Improvement & General Thoughts
Read a lot of books - Reading widely makes you smarter. If a book looks interesting, just get it.
Don’t read too many books - If you’re a big reader, don’t forget to actually implement what you learn. I’m guilty of this and have really enjoyed revisiting books to make sure I’m applying what I learn.
Spend time in cities - I grew up in slightly-rural suburbs and have lived in cities since i was 18. Spending time in cities has exposed me to a million things that I would have never experienced in the tiny town I grew up in. Take any chance you get to visit great cities and soak up some of the culture that makes them great.
Busy is an excuse - It’s okay to not prioritize things, but way too many people lie and say they’re too busy when really they are just choosing not to do something. If something is important to you, you’ll find a way to do it. If not, that’s okay too.
Active time is better than dead time - Make the most of the time you have. It’s not about being “productive” at all times, but you can squeeze a lot more into your days when you find a way to get things done even when you have to focus on time-suck tasks. A few examples, I always listen to audio books or talk on the phone (often to my family) while I walk the dog. Same goes for commuting. Thanks Ryan Holiday for sharing this idea from Robert Greene.
Make decisions easier by removing choice from your life - Many people waste too much mental energy on tiny decisions that mean nothing. I basically wear the same outfit everyday, have the same routine for fitness, eat the same meals. Find what works for you and move on so you can save your mental band-width for things that matter.
Learn about history - There’s a great quote by Bismark where he says “Fools learn from experience. I prefer to learn from the experience of others.” You can avoid a lot of mistakes by learning about history.
“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” - This quote is by James Clear and is a great reminder that building good habits in life is an incredibly under-rated skill. Read his book Atomic Habits to get learn more about this.
Ignore people’s highlight reels - It’s so easy to compare your worst to the best moments of other people’s lives. Don’t do this to yourself. If you struggle with jealous self-esteem issues fueled by comparing yourself to others, then just quit things like Instagram.
Don’t live your life based on what other people think you “should” do - Things like getting married, having children and buying a house aren’t required for living a great life. Sure, all of those things can be great but just because your friends and family do them doesn’t mean you have to. It’s your life to live so do what you think is best for yourself.
Ignore bad advice - Okay, for anyone counting, I already passed 30 life lessons but this one is so important I’m tacking it on. There are tons of people that mean well, but be careful who you take advice from. If someone isn’t successful in the thing they’re giving advice on, you’re probably better off politely saying “thank you” and moving on. Take advice from those you aspire to be like and ignore the rest.